Alright, I've let the suspense of what happens to screw everything up with Europe's little imperialist scheme build for two weeks now. I think you're all ready to find out (or have taken World History, in which case you can at least pretend to be surprised and shocked by the shit that is about to hit the fan.)
When we last left our intrepid heroes, everything was pretty alright for everyone except France, who we've already noted to have a desperate need to get their shit together. All their American and Indian possessions went to England or Spain at the conclusion of the French and Indian war, leaving them with very little to work with.
Not too long after all this, roundabouts 1775, there was a little thing called the American Revolution in which England realized it's mistake in giving their colonies nice things like limited self governance. This taught them to be much bigger douche bags to the rest of their colonies, like India. America gained it's independence against what was supposed to be the most powerful Empire in the world, giving a bunch of other people ideas.
America's ideas of freedom and liberty and whatnot was greatly appealing to the slaves of what would come to be Haiti and spread there quickly, with the small change of acknowledging blacks as full class citizens, or at least some of them. Toussaint Louverture, a man with a name I will now type as "Touss" because like hell I'm going to remember how to spell it and I don't feel like looking up all the time, led a successful revolution in Haiti which freed it from French rule. The rebellion which Touss led made him a famous and fairly wealthy man, so he decided to buy a plantation with several slaves to work it. Because every revolution needs its fair share of irony. So France loses another colony, which had been one of it's most profitable, to a bunch of people lauded as being racially inferior. When Napoleon took control of France after all that crazy stuff over there went down, Touss made alliances with France that ended in him being carted off by Napoleon's soldiers to die in a dungeon somewhere. One of his compatriots defeated the French again, thereby finally earning Haiti the right to be as ironic as it damn well pleased.
Also around this time was the Lagutao Revolt in the Philippines, the latest in a series of revolts which had been an almost semi-annual tradition in the region for the last hundred years or so. Most likely to make Spain feel good about itself, since it hadn't done anything of major significance for a good amount of time now.
Even this, however, was not enough to keep them feeling like a real imperial power when Mexico fought a war independence and won it. Though it took a good ten years, it was still fairly embarrassing for Spain. At this point, they basically said to the rest of the world to wake them up when it was time for a violent fascist uprising.
Continuing on, Greece wins its independence from the Ottoman Empire with the help of some bored European nations, Afghanistan continues its history of making invading/occupying it really difficult, and Britain takes it out by stomping out the last bits of pretending to just be business partners with India by installing viceroys and whatnot.
And so ends the second part of this abridged history. In the third and final installment of the series, modern imperialism causes a bunch of craziness.
Showing posts with label Euro Thursday. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Euro Thursday. Show all posts
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Euro Thursday: It has come to my attention....
Alright, so most people are familiar with how France was invaded during World War II. Germany invaded through Belgium, steamrolling over the small nation in order to have a convenient way around the Maginot line which defended the France-Germany border. Yes.
A lot of people also know that this happened before, back in WW I. The ironic part was that they actually did much better the first time, when it was a legitimate surprise. I know I had an entire post about France needing to get it together, but seriously now. Was it really that surprising that they would get invaded through Belgium again? They did it the first time, and that was before they had what everyone knew to be a straight up douchebag in control of their armies. It's not like the invasion itself was a surprise; Hitler had invaded Poland the previous year and actually waited out the winter to move all his troops into position to invade France, which is apparently far too busy looking at their impressively useless fortifications to realize that the man who had already violated the neutrality of multiple nations might not really mind having to go through a small, defenseless nation in a strategy that almost worked the last time this situation happened, and in fact would have worked wonderfully had the German general in charge hadn't decided to split up his troops.
To add insult to injury, France had an even better reason to be prepared for this: Belgium had the plans for the invasion, quite literally, in their hands. And the French had heard about it. A plane crashed, carrying the invasion plans, in Belgium. At this point, Hitler had a novel talking about his plans for world dominance and giving his enemies a nice little warning, and they had the invasion plans. So they sent one army group to hold off the roughly 800,000 German soldiers that were meant to be advancing. Germany didn't even revise their plans after this incident; they had evidently figured out that the rest of the world was, in fact, incredibly thick.
So the French army stands around this whole winter, evidently doing pretty much nothing. Italy comes in at the end with a declaration of war that was the international equivalent of kicking somebody while they're down (a fairly weak kick, considering that Italy's claim to fame was finally having achieved punctuality). And then, Hitler brought the hammer down. Several million German troops stormed into France through (and nobody saw this next part coming) Belgium, taking everyone but the one French general who had warned of exactly this completely by surprise. That general's name was Dyle, and you can bet your ass that he got one of the best "I told you so" moments in history.
The only story that doesn't embarrass the allies coming out of this is that the English managed to get their troops out at Dunkirk in a "heroic and daring escape". Turns out, it was just the Germans being cautious and not advancing because they were already pretty surprised that this plan had kicked as much ass as it did.
Hitler wasn't that brilliant: The French were just that slow.
A lot of people also know that this happened before, back in WW I. The ironic part was that they actually did much better the first time, when it was a legitimate surprise. I know I had an entire post about France needing to get it together, but seriously now. Was it really that surprising that they would get invaded through Belgium again? They did it the first time, and that was before they had what everyone knew to be a straight up douchebag in control of their armies. It's not like the invasion itself was a surprise; Hitler had invaded Poland the previous year and actually waited out the winter to move all his troops into position to invade France, which is apparently far too busy looking at their impressively useless fortifications to realize that the man who had already violated the neutrality of multiple nations might not really mind having to go through a small, defenseless nation in a strategy that almost worked the last time this situation happened, and in fact would have worked wonderfully had the German general in charge hadn't decided to split up his troops.
To add insult to injury, France had an even better reason to be prepared for this: Belgium had the plans for the invasion, quite literally, in their hands. And the French had heard about it. A plane crashed, carrying the invasion plans, in Belgium. At this point, Hitler had a novel talking about his plans for world dominance and giving his enemies a nice little warning, and they had the invasion plans. So they sent one army group to hold off the roughly 800,000 German soldiers that were meant to be advancing. Germany didn't even revise their plans after this incident; they had evidently figured out that the rest of the world was, in fact, incredibly thick.
 |
| The development of the invasion plan over time. Note the lack of arrows in the bottom part of France, where the entirety of their defenses were organized. Also note: Holland was two revisions away from getting its shit wrecked. |
So the French army stands around this whole winter, evidently doing pretty much nothing. Italy comes in at the end with a declaration of war that was the international equivalent of kicking somebody while they're down (a fairly weak kick, considering that Italy's claim to fame was finally having achieved punctuality). And then, Hitler brought the hammer down. Several million German troops stormed into France through (and nobody saw this next part coming) Belgium, taking everyone but the one French general who had warned of exactly this completely by surprise. That general's name was Dyle, and you can bet your ass that he got one of the best "I told you so" moments in history.
The only story that doesn't embarrass the allies coming out of this is that the English managed to get their troops out at Dunkirk in a "heroic and daring escape". Turns out, it was just the Germans being cautious and not advancing because they were already pretty surprised that this plan had kicked as much ass as it did.
Hitler wasn't that brilliant: The French were just that slow.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Euro Thursday: A short history of Imperialism (Part I)
For any of you wondering why AP European History is so similar to world history in many aspects, I have your answer: AP Euro is a class on Europe and everyone they've screwed over. Which happens to be almost the entirety of the known world. And so, it ends up being very similar to world history. But don't forget, this is Europe we're talking about here. They can't just fuck up the rest of the world to help themselves. Oh no, they're going to trip themselves up too.
The first wave of imperialism started roundabouts 1492, in which Columbus sailed the ocean blue and gave a lot of people small pox in exchange for some syphilis. Columbus was kind of a massive dick to everyone, along with rather stubborn and generally not worthy of having all sorts of stuff named after him. But that's a tale for another time. Anyways, Spain and Portugal start land grabbing the shenanigans out of the Americas and surrounding regions, subjugating and conquering all the native populaces. England and France follow, seeing that it looks like a pretty good time over in this hip, fresh "New World" place. For awhile, Europe has it pretty good (except for the syphilis, which is a bit of a downer). But then they decide that it's a little too boring, this triangular trade thing.
There are some wars, such as the French and Indian war (which, as all your history teachers have probably told you, actually involved the French and the British. Seriously, why not just name these wars after who fought them and when?) in which the natives decide that one side is wrecking their homeland a little less than the other side and fight so that the French/British* can get more of the land that technically belonged to the natives for thousands of years. A little weird, but I'm sure the French/British were very persuasive. Anyways, this war was just a part of the larger 7 Years War, named for the amount of time it took to fight.** This was also really the first World War, although they had yet to hire the marketing people to name these wars dramatically or appealingly yet. They were still in the store brand period of war, in which they sounded pretty dull and stuffy.
So, lots of people die in the 7 Years War. In the French and Indian War, started over a land claim in Ohio (which is, if you ask me, a frickin' dumb place to start a war over. They didn't even have Cedar Point back then), a lot of people die as well. Some natives do as well, something that both sides can be happy about while they contemplate their next plan to make themselves look like squabbling children. Britain gained all of France's possessions in the New World, leaving them with what would eventually become French Canada and a whole lot of culture clash that would mysteriously lead to one of the most polite and well tempered nations in the world. They also succeeded in doubling their debt, something which led to higher taxes on things like tea. I wonder where this is headed?
By the way, Spain and Portugal are still chillin' in South America and the Caribbean. But Haiti's about to open up a can of whoopass.
*Yes, the Indians fought on both sides. The American name for this war is really rather silly.
**Much like the Hundred Years War but a lot less impressive sounding, and a little under a third of the length of the 30 Years War. Europe was in a bit of a creative slump at this time.
The first wave of imperialism started roundabouts 1492, in which Columbus sailed the ocean blue and gave a lot of people small pox in exchange for some syphilis. Columbus was kind of a massive dick to everyone, along with rather stubborn and generally not worthy of having all sorts of stuff named after him. But that's a tale for another time. Anyways, Spain and Portugal start land grabbing the shenanigans out of the Americas and surrounding regions, subjugating and conquering all the native populaces. England and France follow, seeing that it looks like a pretty good time over in this hip, fresh "New World" place. For awhile, Europe has it pretty good (except for the syphilis, which is a bit of a downer). But then they decide that it's a little too boring, this triangular trade thing.
There are some wars, such as the French and Indian war (which, as all your history teachers have probably told you, actually involved the French and the British. Seriously, why not just name these wars after who fought them and when?) in which the natives decide that one side is wrecking their homeland a little less than the other side and fight so that the French/British* can get more of the land that technically belonged to the natives for thousands of years. A little weird, but I'm sure the French/British were very persuasive. Anyways, this war was just a part of the larger 7 Years War, named for the amount of time it took to fight.** This was also really the first World War, although they had yet to hire the marketing people to name these wars dramatically or appealingly yet. They were still in the store brand period of war, in which they sounded pretty dull and stuffy.
So, lots of people die in the 7 Years War. In the French and Indian War, started over a land claim in Ohio (which is, if you ask me, a frickin' dumb place to start a war over. They didn't even have Cedar Point back then), a lot of people die as well. Some natives do as well, something that both sides can be happy about while they contemplate their next plan to make themselves look like squabbling children. Britain gained all of France's possessions in the New World, leaving them with what would eventually become French Canada and a whole lot of culture clash that would mysteriously lead to one of the most polite and well tempered nations in the world. They also succeeded in doubling their debt, something which led to higher taxes on things like tea. I wonder where this is headed?
By the way, Spain and Portugal are still chillin' in South America and the Caribbean. But Haiti's about to open up a can of whoopass.
*Yes, the Indians fought on both sides. The American name for this war is really rather silly.
**Much like the Hundred Years War but a lot less impressive sounding, and a little under a third of the length of the 30 Years War. Europe was in a bit of a creative slump at this time.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Euro Thursday: France needs to get it's shit together.
Thursday has been officially designated as European history Thursday. I encourage all of you to get on that and find your favorite quote, event, or even your own observation on the craziness that is Europe and put it as your status. Or write a blog post about it, like me. There's plenty of crazy shit to choose from, trust me. And if you're at a loss, good ol' Fourier here can provide you with plenty of stuff. Wikipedia doesn't do justice to his craziness. Anyways, happy Euro Thursday everyone!
If you think about it, one of the most ridiculous things for anyone to say after looking at France's history between 1750 and 1950 is anything to the effect of "hey, this looks like a stable country to me. I bet it'll last into the modern era." It's no secret that France has had a few issues down the road (everyone knows about the guillotine), but most people don't really get just how bad this country is at keeping its act together. If the Ottoman Empire was the sick old man of Europe, France was the hyperactive child who just wanted to beat the bejesus out of everyone on the playground and didn't realize that he was actually way smaller than everyone else and kept accidentally punching himself in the face. I could make a lot of other bad metaphors to get this point across, but I think it's more effective to show you. Let's go visit France in the mid 18th century, shall we?
Backdrop: Everyone in Europe just experienced a wave of revolutions, creatively titled the 1848 revolutions, as a result of France "sneezing", AKA deciding that they really didn't like the government they had just installed and starting a revolution. 'Cause that's what French people do when they're bored, I suppose. Afterwords, everyone decides to party it up with a second Industrial Revolution, this time led by Germany who has decided that the key to being a successful nation is to build a lot of stuff and kill a lot of people. This "Blood and Iron" doctrine will, quite obviously, be problematic for everyone somewhere down the line, but is immediately very bad for France, who has graciously volunteered to be that "lot of people" for Germany to kick around with all its new toys by competing over influence in Spain.**
Once Bismark manages to make France look evil enough to his people, the Franco-Prussian war happens and France gets its ass whooped by Germany. But France can't just lose a war; look at what they did last time when that happened. They exiled their leader, got him back for a bit, fought some people, exiled him AGAIN, then lost pretty much everything they had gained in the last 30 years and started a good ol' revolution just for kicks. But it would be different this time. This time, they want to be a little bit less obnoxious to everyone around them and opt for a nice civil war instead, where they at least have the advantage of being able to say they won either way. During the siege of Paris by the Germans, the Parisians decide that they don't like their government. So after a nice feast of zoo animals and family pets, they declare Paris as an independent commune. And then possibly eat a few of their new countrymen. Meanwhile, the actual French government decides that this isn't good and marches to Paris. Not to lift the siege or fight off the German invaders, but to disarm the National Guard present in Paris. The Parisians don't like that, so they start shooting. Civil war. While they're already in the middle of losing a war with Germany. And also almost getting in yet another war over a small place in Africa called Fashoda, which I suppose is actually prevented by the civil war. So, yay?
The government of France manages to restore order by storming into Paris and killing a lot of people, saving Germany the trouble and making Bismark a little sad. At this point, they finally get a working government together that doesn't manage to piss off everyone. Right before World War I, when they get invaded and have to start all over again. Post-World War II France is now the 5th Republic, and they were on the 2nd before all this.
Seriously, France. How do you exist? Something to be said for tenacity, I suppose.
I'm Derek, and that was Euro Thursday.
*Despite mostly being in the middle east? Europe just encompasses whatever the hell it wants, I guess, regardless of geography. European history encompasses everything on the continent as well as whoever they screw over. Which is everyone. Now I know why it seems so similar to world history at times.
**Which is a dumb thing to compete over. Spain at this point has basically been taking a siesta since it stopped being awesome way the hell back in the 1600's and didn't really have much going on.
If you think about it, one of the most ridiculous things for anyone to say after looking at France's history between 1750 and 1950 is anything to the effect of "hey, this looks like a stable country to me. I bet it'll last into the modern era." It's no secret that France has had a few issues down the road (everyone knows about the guillotine), but most people don't really get just how bad this country is at keeping its act together. If the Ottoman Empire was the sick old man of Europe, France was the hyperactive child who just wanted to beat the bejesus out of everyone on the playground and didn't realize that he was actually way smaller than everyone else and kept accidentally punching himself in the face. I could make a lot of other bad metaphors to get this point across, but I think it's more effective to show you. Let's go visit France in the mid 18th century, shall we?
Backdrop: Everyone in Europe just experienced a wave of revolutions, creatively titled the 1848 revolutions, as a result of France "sneezing", AKA deciding that they really didn't like the government they had just installed and starting a revolution. 'Cause that's what French people do when they're bored, I suppose. Afterwords, everyone decides to party it up with a second Industrial Revolution, this time led by Germany who has decided that the key to being a successful nation is to build a lot of stuff and kill a lot of people. This "Blood and Iron" doctrine will, quite obviously, be problematic for everyone somewhere down the line, but is immediately very bad for France, who has graciously volunteered to be that "lot of people" for Germany to kick around with all its new toys by competing over influence in Spain.**
Once Bismark manages to make France look evil enough to his people, the Franco-Prussian war happens and France gets its ass whooped by Germany. But France can't just lose a war; look at what they did last time when that happened. They exiled their leader, got him back for a bit, fought some people, exiled him AGAIN, then lost pretty much everything they had gained in the last 30 years and started a good ol' revolution just for kicks. But it would be different this time. This time, they want to be a little bit less obnoxious to everyone around them and opt for a nice civil war instead, where they at least have the advantage of being able to say they won either way. During the siege of Paris by the Germans, the Parisians decide that they don't like their government. So after a nice feast of zoo animals and family pets, they declare Paris as an independent commune. And then possibly eat a few of their new countrymen. Meanwhile, the actual French government decides that this isn't good and marches to Paris. Not to lift the siege or fight off the German invaders, but to disarm the National Guard present in Paris. The Parisians don't like that, so they start shooting. Civil war. While they're already in the middle of losing a war with Germany. And also almost getting in yet another war over a small place in Africa called Fashoda, which I suppose is actually prevented by the civil war. So, yay?
The government of France manages to restore order by storming into Paris and killing a lot of people, saving Germany the trouble and making Bismark a little sad. At this point, they finally get a working government together that doesn't manage to piss off everyone. Right before World War I, when they get invaded and have to start all over again. Post-World War II France is now the 5th Republic, and they were on the 2nd before all this.
Seriously, France. How do you exist? Something to be said for tenacity, I suppose.
I'm Derek, and that was Euro Thursday.
*Despite mostly being in the middle east? Europe just encompasses whatever the hell it wants, I guess, regardless of geography. European history encompasses everything on the continent as well as whoever they screw over. Which is everyone. Now I know why it seems so similar to world history at times.
**Which is a dumb thing to compete over. Spain at this point has basically been taking a siesta since it stopped being awesome way the hell back in the 1600's and didn't really have much going on.
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